Teaser Tuesday: The Carrot In You

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The bus doors slammed shut behind them and the bus screeched off raising a hefty dust cloud.

Welcome!” The man greeted them. “I’m here to check all of you are accounted for and to escort you to our most holy retreat of… holy good times.” He had a thick mustache that was almost the same exact brown as his skin, and a flat comb-over. “My name is Hardeep Chander, but you can just call me Hardeep,” he smiled. Dan was lost in his huge brown eyes and the thick lashes shadowing them.

Har-… hardy?” Dan tried. He looked at Skye.

Skye glanced back and shrugged. “Hawrdey?”

“… Or Andy,” Hardeep smiled. His eyes looked resigned.

The Carrot In You coming out this week! Finally! And I got something short and terrible as a freebie this week too! Stay tuned!

Teaser Tuesday: Ravaged By A Rigid T-Rex

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“That grass is dead, man.” Jimmy continued.

“No, it’s not,” I lied to myself.

“Sure! Whatever you say, neighbor. It just looks mighty dead from where I’m standing,” Jimmy smirked. His smile looked like someone had painted teeth on a tomato.

“It’s not dead. It’s resting,” I insisted, rubbing my neck.

Jimmy leaned against the fence. The fence creaked in desperation.

“Well, as soon as your grass is done resting, come to me and I’ll give you the name of a guy. My grass guy can do stuff at a good price. No one will ever know,” Jimmy winked.

His “grass guy” sold plastic turf. I shuddered, imagining my proud rose bush and the dahlias surrounded by plastic fakery. I didn’t even buy plastic lawn chairs. There was a reason. A good reason. My mother had died in a tragic and completely unpredictable plastic explosion. Her body had been riddled with strips of cellophane and the cheap polyester scarf around her neck had shrunk in the heat suffocating her. No plastic. You couldn’t trust plastic.

I gave Jimmy a dirty look under my brow. “No plastic.”

“Fine!” he said, throwing his hands up. “So when are we gonna have another BBQ on your fresh lawn?” he continued. Some people were just born to be assholes even when they were friendly.

Teaser Tuesday: M4M4BEAR

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“Nude cyclist!” Tiff beamed, her tiny nose and freckles practically glowing with glee.

“Are there pictures?” I leaned over her shoulder.

“What, does it sound like someone you might know?” She grinned from ear to eat, then folded the paper and handed it to me. “Nah, no pictures. Too many conservatives funding this mag. It might catch fire if they printed something else besides female tits.” She looked genuinely disappointed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll bring you newspapers with all the wild penises your little, freckled heart desires when we visit Europe,” I nudged her on the arm. “The hot cross bun dough is proofing, they’ll be ready to put in in about an hour. I set the timer, so you’ll know. Last ones for today.”

“Oh? You’re headed out already?”

“Yeah, come ‘ere,” I leaned to her ear, “it’s our anniversary today. Tim and I have special plans…” I whispered.

“Oh jeesh! Why didn’t you say so earlier?! I could’ve made a card or something…,” she pouted.

“With penises?”

“Hell yeah! At least a dozen. A whole basket of dicks! A disket!”

“Aw, I appreciate that, hun,” I grabbed Tiff in a tight bear hug. “We’re okay, though. We have dicks at home. And I made a cake earlier. I just want a little extra time with Tim today. I think the Shoppe’s been taking a lot of my attention in the past few weeks…,” I muttered, letting my mind drift in the date nights missed because of the hairy balls and angry old ladies and an endless sea of dick-shaped cakes for bachelorette parties and people who clearly didn’t want to party with anyone but wanted a dick cake all to themselves for the night… it had been busy. I hadn’t anticipated how much time running a bakery would really take with just the two of us there on most days.

“Well duh,” Tiffany muttered somewhere from my below my chest. “I keep telling you to get an extra baker here full time.”

“You were right. I’m gonna look into it next week.” I squeezed her cheek. “But tonight is for me and Tim.”

“Here,” she stuck the newspaper under my arm, “I read it already and did the crosswords. And might have doodled on it.”

“Er… this is a very last minute anniversary gift?”

“No, I just can’t be bothered to take the trash out…. as somebody just put me in charge of the till as well as the baking because they’re playing hooky with their boyfriend.” She fluttered her eyes with her mouth pressed into a tight, straight line trying to not burst out laughing.

I let out a deep sigh and turned over the newspaper. The cyclist had been drunk and “naked” (in quotation marks), plowing through the holiday displays in the center, then raiding a chestnut stand and stuffing himself before passing out in a manger. He was wearing a mustard tie.

Teaser Tuesday: Feral Caress

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So I sat myself at the bar, got a shot of Jameson and settled down listening in on the conversations and looking for new people. Random banter; town hall was getting a new roof, comparing trucks, loads of dead chicken in the area the last few days. An older gentleman sitting next to me, with the most awesome curled mustache I’d ever seen, lamented how the damn foxes or wolves or weasels or whatever pesky creatures they were that kept eating his chicken, were getting into locked hen houses.

“Once they get a taste for it, they’ll figure out a way!” he exclaimed, then sunk in his seat defeated. A good man, he obviously loved his chicken. Though to be fair, chicken IS delicious to most creatures on this Earth. I patted him on the back sympathetically.

“Can you get meaner chicken? Something with bigger teeth that’ll fight back? Like, maybe swans?” I offered. Bucktooth swans.

He grinned mischievously.

“Aye, that is not a bad idea at all, young man!” He clinked my shot glass with his and took a sip. We continued with working out our plan for mean, self-defending chicken. The music streamed in the background an endless flow of Iron And Wine and as I relaxed in the hypnotic hum of the bar I stopped missing Charlie’s company and didn’t even notice he seemed to have completely disappeared until a good hour in. I scanned the crowd for traces of him. No luck. More people. No Charlie. My eyes brushed over something huge and white on the other side of the bar, then back to look at just what the hell I just saw.

Big guy. Not just tall, REALLY tall. I was no bread stick either at 6 feet, but this one was at least 6 foot 11 and wider than an elephant’s rear. Lean muscle all around, all covered in fine, white body-hair. Only his head hair and facial scruff had slightly more tinge, but even those were all white. The head was shaved on both sides with long, white-ish gold mane flowing from the middle. His jaw could crush walnuts just by being in the same room with them. He was downing a pint of beer in one go, the dark stout a monochrome contrasts to his pale lips, and when he struck the empty pint down on the bar and dried his lips across the back of his hand, I swear I could see sharp canine teeth.

Teaser Tuesday: Any Way You Pump A Centaur 2

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“Right, we’re going on a little holiday,” he said. “Jimmy says he knows a perfect place. We’re going.”

“Jimmy?” I started protesting.

Jimmy the centaur could reliably be said to be a bit of a banana skin. Tread carefully with him. The last time we tried organizing a centaur-human swingers party, he failed to mention that centaur poo wasn’t magical and did not disappear on it’s own and while centaurs were half people and only half horses, they still pooped like horses. The lady whose garden we were using wasn’t best pleased for all the extra manure. Not sure how thrilled she’d be to host another party any time in the near future after all the havoc Jimmy’s buddies wreaked in her garden.

“Yes. Jimmy. You need a break,” Mike was staring at me very serious,”and Jimmy messaged me a while back about a beach holiday possibility. We’re taking it.”

“A beach holiday?” I was struggling with processing many different feelings at the same time. My body was so so tired. I could hardly lift a fork and the mere thought of a sunny beach somewhere was like a warm cuddle from Santa; it immediately made my muscles relax and a warm, comfortable feeling rush through me. But it was Jimmy.

“Look, I know Jimmy’s a bit of… an idiot,” Mike said kneeling beside me, “but I’ll be there, babe. You know that. I’ll take care of you.” he held my hands in his big bear-like paws. My little black hands looked so tiny there, cupped safely in his.

“Yeah, yeah, I know you will,” I said smiling up at him. “I’m just not sure how relaxing it’s going to be with that big walnut prancing around.”

“It’ll be good,” Mike grinned. “Just need to pack some food. Jimmy says they only get human-food shipments once a week if there’s humans around, so pack our own in case they haven’t gotten it yet.”

“Wait.. what? ‘Human food’… where the fuck exactly is this place?”

Teaser Tuesday: Poking At Their Pregnant Blonde

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Crickets were chirping somewhere beyond the trash cans as I straightened myself up. The desert behind the bar seemed like it took over the entire world. It was just the bar, the highway, the Mikey D’s a mile from us and the trailer park. Then desert all around. Best place to be in case of a zombie apocalypse, I thought. Those fuckers would fry in the sun before they ever caught anyone. Zombie bacon.

The thought made me heave again. Ok, stop thinking about crispy fried zombies, woman.

Wonder how life would’ve turned out if I’d gotten that degree when I was still in my 20s?

My left hand kept rubbing my belly while I zoned out looking at the mountains rising up at the edge of the desert. Like the baby would know I was stroking its head. Would it be a boy or a girl? Would it have brown hair like its daddy or blonde like mine?

I turned to get back in and nearly tripped over Dylan. A cloud of sugarcane flushed through my head.

What the h…?” I pushed him back.

Sorry, just came back to see if you were ok.”

And you just been standing behind me staring and not saying a word? What the actual hell?”

I don’t… I didn’t. I wasn’t sure if I should say anything,“ Dylan sputtered. “Your ass.”

What about my ass?”

I think I forgot I was breathing looking at your ass.” he smirked a little.

Fucking hell, those puppy dog eyes.

You forgot to breathe staring at my ass. Ok. That’s new. Didn’t realize my ass had magical powers now,” I cocked my head and crossed my arms on top of my belly.

Everything about you might be a little magical. I dunno,” he rubbed his neck and glanced at me under his brow.

Oh?”

The ass, the belly, you.”

But especially the ass?”

He laughed and his blue eyes sparkled like pools in the night. Tiny little lines appeared around the corners of his eyes and turned a smiling face serious. I was spending way too much time absorbed in the details of his face. The way the roof light colored his baby stubble black and the skin under it in hues of pink. The same light made a halo out of his light hair. I was suddenly very aware of the night chill creeping into my arms and an excited tingle tugging at my pussy. The rest of me was steadily getting cold while my crotch seemed to radiate heat. Could he see that? Don’t be stupid, woman, of course he can’t! Then why was he looking at me like that?

I was starting to feel very naked in front of him.

Dylan took a step forward. I stood my ground defiantly. The smell of sugarcane and sweaty cotton filled the space between us like liquid. It made our moves slow and gentle.

Dylan reached out to me, one hand gently on my elbow, another cupping my face. His hands were warm. I felt like a porcelain doll while he was a real human with soft skin and muscles and textures that yielded.