Teaser Tuesday: M4M4BEAR

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“Nude cyclist!” Tiff beamed, her tiny nose and freckles practically glowing with glee.

“Are there pictures?” I leaned over her shoulder.

“What, does it sound like someone you might know?” She grinned from ear to eat, then folded the paper and handed it to me. “Nah, no pictures. Too many conservatives funding this mag. It might catch fire if they printed something else besides female tits.” She looked genuinely disappointed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll bring you newspapers with all the wild penises your little, freckled heart desires when we visit Europe,” I nudged her on the arm. “The hot cross bun dough is proofing, they’ll be ready to put in in about an hour. I set the timer, so you’ll know. Last ones for today.”

“Oh? You’re headed out already?”

“Yeah, come ‘ere,” I leaned to her ear, “it’s our anniversary today. Tim and I have special plans…” I whispered.

“Oh jeesh! Why didn’t you say so earlier?! I could’ve made a card or something…,” she pouted.

“With penises?”

“Hell yeah! At least a dozen. A whole basket of dicks! A disket!”

“Aw, I appreciate that, hun,” I grabbed Tiff in a tight bear hug. “We’re okay, though. We have dicks at home. And I made a cake earlier. I just want a little extra time with Tim today. I think the Shoppe’s been taking a lot of my attention in the past few weeks…,” I muttered, letting my mind drift in the date nights missed because of the hairy balls and angry old ladies and an endless sea of dick-shaped cakes for bachelorette parties and people who clearly didn’t want to party with anyone but wanted a dick cake all to themselves for the night… it had been busy. I hadn’t anticipated how much time running a bakery would really take with just the two of us there on most days.

“Well duh,” Tiffany muttered somewhere from my below my chest. “I keep telling you to get an extra baker here full time.”

“You were right. I’m gonna look into it next week.” I squeezed her cheek. “But tonight is for me and Tim.”

“Here,” she stuck the newspaper under my arm, “I read it already and did the crosswords. And might have doodled on it.”

“Er… this is a very last minute anniversary gift?”

“No, I just can’t be bothered to take the trash out…. as somebody just put me in charge of the till as well as the baking because they’re playing hooky with their boyfriend.” She fluttered her eyes with her mouth pressed into a tight, straight line trying to not burst out laughing.

I let out a deep sigh and turned over the newspaper. The cyclist had been drunk and “naked” (in quotation marks), plowing through the holiday displays in the center, then raiding a chestnut stand and stuffing himself before passing out in a manger. He was wearing a mustard tie.

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Teaser Tuesday: The Carrot In You

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Dan picked up the carrot and rubbed his beard. These things were all over the place. Couldn’t go 5 steps without a carrot in front of you. Or 8 paces. All paths led to carrots.

He turned it over. It looked vaguely familiar. Maybe this was the same carrot he just picked up from the common area floor? Had the same two dots on it. “This fasting is messing with my brain”, he though. It’s a carrot. They pretty much all look the same. And that wasn’t a veganist thing to think. They’re carrots. They don’t care. Vegphobic? Didn’t quite roll off the tongue. Vega was a moon or something, wasn’t it? Couldn’t really say you were a ”vegaphobic” then, unless you wanted to hate on a piece of rock floating in space for no reason.

He turned to go back to the cooking hut and felt a little dizzy from the movement.

Yup, definitely just brain going screwy from the fasting. ”Boy, I underestimated how much detoxing I had to do”, he thought. All those years working with computers at the office, sitting in chairs and all that capitalistic corporate bullshit. ”No wonder my body’s a hot pocket of toxic pustules filled with Western impurities. I could’ve died”, he nodded grimly.

Teaser Tuesday + update!

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Teaser Tuesday is again on Wednesday and another cover reveal. Two covers for some dirty, naughty, not entirely serious, ok not-at-all serious dinosaur erotica coming next week. And under the covers, you’ll find the extra update. So it’s almost like Christmas. If instead of presents, Santa let you look at some pictures on his phone and then just patted you on the head.

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People who have been reading my little stories – whom I love dearly and cannot even begin to tell you how much it wets my cold, dead heart that there are people investing their time into my writing – have probably noticed that there hasn’t been much activity or new material coming out. And also that the update schedule is in serious disarray. The private life over here has been such that I’ve been hustling to make basic income and that’s left writing, of any kind, in the ditch. Also have been told by reputable professionals to lay off the legal substances. But that’s another story. Am I too old to say YOLO to that?
Is anyone using YOLO anymore?
Anyhow, the basic income situation seems to be evening out so the schedule and writing will be picking up by the end of the week. Though I’m giving a fair warning that any new shorts might be pushed to next week. BUT, after that, Teaser Tuesdays will be on actual Tuesdays (unless there’s rain) and the publishing schedule will be updated.
God, if it wasn’t the year of the cock, I’d make a joke about how this year has been kind of a dick so far. But I’m not gonna. I’m just saying things are starting to look up. And I got 11 covers done and stacked and 7 more on the table waiting to be finished, so I got material in store for you little monkey nuts. Material up the wazoo!